Finally

I’m losing consistently again. At one point a few weeks ago, I saw 270 on the scale (and almost had a heart attack). Today I was 262. I’ve been consistently around 267 and the 270 was most likely a fluke because it was only a day or two. So I’m counting this as a 5 pound loss. I’d love to be back down to my lowest weight by the time I see Dr.M again in August. I briefly got down to 242-243, but that was a couple of days right around when I first got pregnant and was too nauseous to eat much. My lowest consistent weight was 245-247, so I’d like to be back in that range. I go back to see Dr. M. on August 5th, so that gives me a little over five weeks. That’s a pretty lofty goal, so realistically I’ll be ok with being around 252 at that point. That’s 2 lbs a week. Before I got pregnant, I was losing 3-4 lbs a week pretty consistently. I don’t know if my body can kick back in at that rate, but we’ll see.

It’s been a while

Well I’m here and still alive. Life has been crappy and I just haven’t had much to say. I’ve realized, though, that this blog is a big part of my support and motivation. I need to get back into the habits that I formed last year when I was successfully losing weight.

I saw Dr. M. a couple of weeks ago. I gained 4 lbs from the last visit which was in April. It could have been way worse, I know. My band has controlled my intake somewhat. However, after living with this band for 16 months, I know how to eat around the band. Food is my comfort. I feel so empty and I know that I’m trying to fill that hole with food. That only makes me feel worse because I do not want to gain the weight back. It depresses me even more to step on the scale and see the number creeping up every time.

This week, I’ve lost 2 lbs or so. I’m pleased with that and I want to keep going. I just need to control myself and stop eating crap. If I don’t buy it, I won’t eat it, so I need to stop buying it. And tell my husband to stop buying it. He’s an enabler. He wants me to feel better so he does what he can to try to make me feel better.

I don’t have any recent pictures of myself, but I will share a picture of my new tattoo. It’s on my left ankle/calf and I love it.

Recommitting

As of today, I am recommitting to my band. I am so tired of watching the scale creep upward. I have to do this. I refuse to gain back the weight I’ve lost. I’ve been hoping to lose 10 lbs by the time I see Dr. M again, but that’s 2 weeks from tomorrow so I’m not sure if I can manage that now. I’ll take anything at this point though. I’m going to start tracking my calories again, drinking all my water and exercising.

I’m also updating my ticker and info on the sidebar because I want to be completely honest and have 100% accountability. I might also start posting what I’m eating daily, but that will get kind of boring. LOL

Wish me luck!

Update

Someone asked how I’m doing so I wanted to post an update since it has been a little while.

In a word, I’m struggling. Emotionally, weight wise, everything. I’m eating crap, I know. I just don’t really care. Well, I do care. But I don’t know if I am even capable of getting back into this weight loss thing. My head has to be in the game and it just isn’t. There are so many reasons for me to keep losing, not the least of which is so I can be healthier to attempt another pregnancy. I also know that my sweet baby girl wouldn’t want to be the reason her mommy falls apart like this.

I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to lift myself up and find the strength. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people that can’t eat when they are depressed. Instead, I am the complete opposite. I eat everything, I crave junk, I have no off switch.

Please keep praying for me. Send me some words of wisdom. Something.

I go to the surgeon for my post-op on my gallbladder and I do not even want to see the look on his face when he sees that I’ve gained since I last saw him. I’m so ashamed.

Home

Surgery went well. It took about 30 minutes and was a very easy surgery. Dr. M said that my gallbladder was really nasty, full of stones and sludge and very inflamed. I’m a little sore, but on minimum pain medication and doing well. I didn’t even get wheeled out of the hospital–I walked. I go back to work on Monday even.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Surgery tomorrow

I have my gallbladder surgery tomorrow. Dr. M will be the surgeon. I hope I feel better after this. I will update when I get home. Keep me in your prayers.

Gallbladder

I found out yesterday that I have to have my gallbladder removed. Tuesday night (well, actually very early Wednesday morning) I went to the ER in extreme pain in my chest and back and I was really nauseated. They gave me some Zofran and Dilaudid, then did blood work and a CT scan. The CT isn’t usually good for diagnosing gallbladder problems, but it picked up some kind of “matter” in there. I called Dr. M’s office and they sent me right over for an ultrasound yesterday. When I went by the office to get the order, I talked to Dr. M for a few minutes. He said it definitely needs to come out. He wanted to get me in TODAY! I was like, um yeah, how about next week? LOL So I go in sometime next Thursday, April 9th, for the surgery. He didn’t seem too surprised at all that this is happening. I guess I’m in a high risk category, times two, with fast weight loss and just having a baby.

I’m done asking, what’s next. I’m now just anticipating the next crappy thing that could happen. I am scared to death to have surgery and completely freaked out. I’m also still having some pain, though not nearly as bad because I’m eating very low fat, bland foods. I guess the bright side of this is that it will help me get back on track food wise. LOL

On the loser’s bench again

I went into see Dr. M and tell him the news about Sydney last week. It is so hard to tell people, but he knew something was up as soon as he saw my chart because I’d lost about 11 lbs in a month. He decided to have me come in for a fill under fluoro to check my band placement, pouch and port to make sure nothing moved during the pregnancy.

I went in for my fill and there were quite a few other bandsters waiting and we all started talking. They were mostly newbies. One of them remembered me from the seminar I spoke at back in August. My fill went well. He said the band looks as perfect as it did the day he put it in. I commented that the first time I came in for a fill, I could barely fit between the table and the xray thing and now there is a bunch of room. He gave me 1 cc. I didn’t have an unfill during the pregnancy, so I have about 7.5 or 8 cc in my 14 cc band. I’m glad I still have plenty of room in there.

I’m restarting my weight loss numbers from his scale last week. I was 257.2. Today, I was 255.2. I hope it keeps moving down. I don’t feel a lot of restriction and I’m not eating well. I know that I am doing a lot of emotional eating and I’m trying to conquer that. I made an appointment with a counselor for April 1. I was on a pace of about 10-12 lbs a month, or about 2.5-3 per week, pre-pregnancy. I don’t know if I can ever get back to that pace, but we’ll see.

Eric and I are going to walk in the March of Dimes March for Babies in memory of Sydney and in honor of our other preemie, Hailey. Technically, all 3 of our kids have been premature. Christian was born at 36 1/2 weeks, about 3 days shy of 37 weeks, and he was big, healthy, and didn’t spend any time in the NICU so I don’t even think of him as a preemie like Hailey and Sydney. The walk is on April 25. I’ve added the link for donations here, if anybody would like to support our team and honor our precious girls. It is a 3.1 mile walk so I plan to start walking again to get ready for it. Before I got pregnant, I was up to about 1.75-2 miles a day regularly. I do remember going to the zoo and walking about 4 miles in a day, so I know I can do this. I’ve wanted to participate in this walk for a long time, but I never felt up to it because I was too heavy and 3 miles seemed like way too much. This is going to become our tradition now and I can’t wait until Christian and Hailey are old enough to walk with us. I thought about them doing it this year, but I know them and they’ll give out after a mile and one of us would have to drop out. Maybe next year or the year after.

Bandiversary

Today is my 1 year bandiversary. What a year it has been. I had been looking forward to making this post and reflecting on my weight loss and all that it had done for me, including allowing me to get pregnant again. Now, the impact of my weight loss has been dwarfed by a much larger loss.

My life has changed completely in this last year. I’ve lost and I’ve gained. I lost 100 lbs and I gained my health, my life, confidence, and strength. The weight loss did help me to get pregnant again. I gained another member of our family, a precious daughter who will be loved and remembered forever. I only had her for 20 weeks in my womb and two hours in my arms, but I feel so blessed to have had that time at all. If someone had told me a year ago where I would be today, I wouldn’t change any of it (unless I could somehow change the outcome). In the words of Garth Brooks, “I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”

One thing I’ve learned is that losing weight doesn’t bring instant happiness. It has improved my life a lot, definitely. But I used to think that if I lost the weight, everything would be ok and that was the one thing that made me so unhappy. Now I realize that life is what we make it, no matter what size we are.

A year ago, I:
weighed 350 lbs
wore size 30 jeans
wore size 5x tops
had very severe sleep apnea
had high blood pressure
had severe PCOS
had a resting heart rate around 100

Today, I:
weigh 250 lbs
wear size 18 jeans
wear size 1x-2x tops
have minimal sleep apnea and I’m no longer dependant on my CPAP
have normal blood pressure, even while pregnant
got pregnant on my own
have a resting heart rate around 70

I’m going to take new pictures soon. I have an appointment with my surgeon Dr. M this week and hopefully will get a fill next week. He doesn’t know what happened yet, so I’m really not looking forward to that appointment.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, the 18th, we will bury our baby girl. Please pray extra hard for us. This pain is unbearable.