Regarding comments…

I had a couple of recent comments that I wanted to respond to and give my thoughts on where I am coming from.

I fully admit that I’m really hard on myself.  I feel like the weight should be falling off, as hard as I am working.  Plus, I worry about failing, that this is all I will lose.  While I’m very grateful for every pound I have lost, I need to lose so much more and I want to do it SOON.  It is overwhelming sometimes.  My only regret about having surgery is that I didn’t do it sooner.  It also doesn’t help that everytime I look in the mirror, I still see me plus 83 pounds.  The pictures help (I’ve asked Eric to make sure he takes more of me, which is a first for me), but I still feel like that 350 lb person I started as, at least mentally. 

RE exercise…I’m ok with building muscle.  I don’t want to just lose weight, I want to be healthy too.  It isn’t FAIR, though!  It isn’t encouraging to workout and not lose weight.  *pouts*  I’m being good though, sticking to my Spark People plan.  Check out my Spark People if you’d like to see my workouts.  I track my food on a different site.  I am used to it and didn’t feel like changing over.

*Edited to note:  My calorie tracker is now charging to give totals of calories, fat, etc.  I’m going to switch over to Spark People for food tracking too.  What a pain.  I have at least 100 custom items saved in the other tracker.  I’ll transfer them as needed.

New face shot

I look like crap in this picture, but wanted to share anyway.  Eric and my friend Jenn told me that I look way smaller in this pic.  Christian took this on Sunday (7.27) after I worked out.

And, for comparison:

5 month bandiversary

Today is 5 months since surgery.   Total loss as of today is 83 lbs.  I lost 11 lbs this month, which is one pound more than last month, but less than I’d like to lose in a month.  I only lost 6.5 inches, compared to 10.75 inches last month.  At least I broke the latest plateau and I am on my way down again.  I don’t think I’ll meet my goal of -100 lbs by 6 months.  I have 17 lbs to go for that.  I’m working hard on exercising everyday.  I signed up with Spark People to track my exercise.  They have videos that show how to do different exercises which helped me a lot.  I’m scheduled to do cardio Mon, Wed, Fri, and Sat, then strengthening exercises Sun, Tues, and Thurs.  I will add at least another day of cardio in there.   

I don’t have much else to say right now.  I’m kind of down, trying really hard to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. 

Here are my five month pics:

And for comparison:

Frustration

I am beyond frustrated right now.  The first two times I had an adjustment I lost 5 lbs in the week immediately after, thanks in part to the day of liquids and day of mushies right after, then just because my intake was lowered.  This time, I thought I’d do the same.  I went into my fill on Friday, July 11 at 272 or 273 and by Monday, July 13, I was at 269.  Then, Wed-Sun of last week, I went slowly back UP stopping at 273 again.  I also noticed that my wedding rings, which had been getting quite loose, were tight again.  I also thought that my feet looked puffy.  So I think that I was retaining a lot of water.  All last weekend, I ate what I wanted and didn’t really think about it.  It was Christian’s and my mom’s birthdays and we went out then barbequed.  Monday, I decided to guzzle a ton of water.  On Monday, I drank SEVEN half liter bottles of water.  Tuesday I drank 5 I think.  Yesterday, 5 again.  Today I’m aiming for 6.  Yesterday and today I was at 269 again.

ARGH!!!  I’m eating right, I’m exercising too, I’m guzzling water.  What.the.fuck?!  I’ve changed my food choices, upped my protein.  Yesterday I walked 1.5 miles around my office (that’s 115 laps around–I need to post a picture LOL).  Tuesday I slacked and didn’t walk.  Monday I only walked 20 minutes, probably about a mile, maybe not quite.  I’m even paying more attention to my carb/fat intake.  I don’t snack between meals like I did before my adjustment.  I do have a snack at night though, usually something low cal with good protein, like cheese or lunch meat.  I’ve also been watching my sodium intake because I know that was killing me before.  Maybe I’m getting ready to start my period.  I didn’t have one in May, then last month started around the 23rd I think.  I have no idea, my cycles are very unpredictable.

I have to admit though, I’m not surprised I am plateauing at this weight.  I have repeatedly read that the body likes to stop at places that are familiar.  I was about 270 from about 6 months after Christian was born until after Hailey was born, so about a year.  I didn’t gain any weight during my pregnancy with her, but the summer after I had her, I jumped up about 30 lbs and entered the 300s.  This is a very familiar weight.  Once I break this plateau, I’ll probably drop to 240 pretty easily then sit there for a while.  That is even more familiar, as I was about 240 for probably 2-3 years pre-kids.  I used to jump about 30 lbs within a couple of months for no reason with no diet changes or anything to cause it.  Weird. 

Monday is my 5 month mark, and at this rate I’ll only be down 10 lbs this month.  I’ve lost at least 15 every month so far.  I know that the Lap Band is a marathon and not a sprint, and that is part of why I chose it.  When I plateau, though, I get so worried that this is it, I won’t lose another pound, I’m destined to be fat forever. 

In good news though, I bought some capris on the clearance rack at Walmart by my mom’s house over the weekend.  They were size 24.  All of my other clothes, save one pair of jeans and 2 pairs of shorts, are too big.  Well, they were huge.  Even washing in super hot water didn’t help.  Last night Hailey and I ran to the Walmart by our house and I looked there and they just happened to have a 22.  Now these just happen to be the same capris that I tried on a month or so ago and they went on but were way too tight.  Well, I bought them and they fit PERFECTLY!!  I also bought two new shirts, size 2x.  The 1x fit, but the ones I had in that brand/style before shrunk a little after washing so I went with the 2x to be safe.  And yeah, it drew up some, so I’m glad I did.  On Lap Band Talk, someone took a picture of her pre-op shirt with her current shirt on top for comparison.  I think I might do that when I take my 5 month pics this week.  Maybe I’ll do one with my pants too.

The work “track”

Today I decided to figure out how much I was walking on my work “track”.  LOL  I used paper clips to keep track of how many miles I did, dropped one on the counter at each lap.  Then I measured the area that I walk around.  One lap is 69 feet, and I walked 95 laps.  That is a total of 6555 feet, or 1.25 miles.  It’s a start!  I’ve done it 3 out of 3 days so far.  I don’t work on Sundays so tomorrow I’ll ride my bike instead.  Starting Monday, things should get interesting because I am training someone, so I’m not sure if I’ll get to walk or not.  If not, I’ll have to head to the track or something instead.  Or just bike every night.  I’m planning to add in the biking 3-4 days a week if I’m also walking 5-6 days at the office.  I need to find a flat path to ride on near my house, there is a huge hill one way and a dead end the other way.  I’m not sure how much I can start out riding.  I guess I’ll just get out there and see.

Exercise, scales, and more

I may have mentioned this before, but just to refresh your memory, I have an incredibly boring job.  I work in a small loan office, I usually work alone (especially since yet another irresponsible idiot just up and quit last week), and once my daily work is done, there is literally nothing to do unless a customer comes in or someone calls.  Sometimes I have extra projects, and when school is in session, I do my homework.  Otherwise I sit here and read Lap Band Talk or the AOL boards, or play a game.

Yesterday, I was really bored and antsy so I decided, oh what the hell, I’m going to walk.  And I did.  I walked laps around my office for 30 minutes.  I did it today too.  One of my problems with exercise has been that it takes away from the little bit of time I’m home and can be with my kids.  So great!  I found a way to exercise during the time I have to be gone.  I got lucky, nobody came in and I only got a couple of phone calls both times.  My office is tiny, so this walking is really boring.  My “track” is probably about 6-7 ft wide and about 18 feet long.  I can walk around it 3 times in a minute.  Oh well, I’m moving, I’m doing it, that’s all that matters.

My new-ish scale is about to get thrown out the window.  I had my fill last week, dropped 3 lbs in 2 days and haven’t moved since.  Fuck.  I figured I’d repeat what happened after my other two fills and drop 5 lbs this week.  This fill was a little weird.  I can eat the same amount of food, which is fine, but I am staying full longer.  I’m not snacking during the day like I was.  I do usually have a nighttime snack, but it is something small like a string cheese or a couple of slices of ham.  I’m trying to mix things up.  I’ve been eating Quaker Weight Control banana bread oatmeal everyday so I decided to try some turkey sausage and eggbeaters.  Mmmm, yummy.  I heart breakfast meat.  Turkey bacon is too dry and threatened to stick on me the last time I had it.  The turkey sausage is quite yummy.  Thanks to this change, I’ve been close to or over 80 grams of protein, while I was struggling to get in 60-65 before.  Maybe that will shake things up enough.  I was also lacking on my water earlier in the week, but I’m back on track with that.  I’m still mostly in the 1000-ish calorie range.  I haven’t had a “bad” day in a while, so maybe my metabolism needs a shock.  Tomorrow is Christian’s birthday so we’re going out for dinner.  He picked Denny’s, so I’ll almost have no choice but to eat something shockingly bad.  LOL  Then on Sunday, we’re having cake and stuff at my mom’s house (her birthday is Sunday, my grandpa’s birthday was this past Wednesday, plus Christian’s). 

I think the thing I love most about my band is that I am in complete control of my eating.  I mean, ultimately, I’ve always been in control of what I ate.  But there were times when I was so hungry/emotional/PMS’y/bored, that I just ate and didn’t even think about it.  Now that I realize what the nutritional content is of the things I eat, I can’t believe how many calories I used to ingest without realizing it.  When we go out tomorrow night, I won’t get an appetizer, big meal, dessert and wash it all down with 2 or 3 big glasses of soda.  I’ll eat probably half of whatever I order, only a meal, no appetizer, no dessert and definitely no soda.  Then I’ll have lunch for Sunday because I know I’ll have leftovers.  LOL

I have to say, going this way feels a lot better than going the other way.  Sometimes I think, how can I still weigh this much when I feel so good.  I don’t know if it is the fact that I know how I used to feel and this is amazing compared to that.  Or maybe it is the fact that I eat healthier, I take vitamins, I’m not fueling myself with junk and caffeine, and overall just being better to myself.  Maybe, and most likely, it’s a combination of those things.  Everything about this journey has amazed me every step of the way.  I am forever grateful to everybody who got me to this point, and thank God everyday that everything came together as it did to lead me to this.

Just wanted to say…

The liquids pushed me over to 80 lbs lost!  Woohoo!

I’m aiming for -100 lbs by my 6 month mark.  I see Dr. M again on 8/27, which is one day shy.  I have about 6 1/2 weeks to do it.

Got adjusted

I went in for my adjustment this morning.  It is crazy–I sit in the registration waiting room of the hospital much longer than it takes me to get my adjustment done.  Today I was there over half an hour (which was much shorter than it usually is) and the fill took maybe 5 minutes.  LOL

All of my fills are done under fluoroscope.  I got on the table and Dr. M. numbed me then put in that huge Huber needle.  Then they move the table from laying flat to standing upright.  I got to drink the barium crap (yum) and he pulled the screen over so I could watch.  My band wasn’t really wide open, but I was definitely lacking restriction.  As he started to add the saline, he noticed that the connection between the syringe and needle was dripping, so he couldn’t be sure how much I got.  He had 3 cc in the syringe and guessed I actually got about 1 cc.  He saw the barium slow and said the restriction is good so he wasn’t worried about exact numbers.  Next time I get adjusted he said to remind him to pull all the fluid out to check the amount before he adds more to it.

This adjustment has been similar to the first one.  I can FEEL the restriction even when I’m not drinking or eating anything.  It isn’t quite as bad as the first one when it hurt to drink the first day.  I have to have liquids only today, then mushies tomorrow and regular food on Sunday.  I’ve been kind of plateaued all week so hopefully this breaks it.  I’m not sure if I have a scale issue or a true plateau though.  On Tuesday, I think, the scale plummeted to 268 when I first stepped on it and I thought, no way.  So I stepped on it again and it jumped to 274.  I was on it like 5 times and got weights between 268 and 274 with it never landing on the same one twice.  Wednesday, Thursday and today were the exact same weight–273.2.  This morning, I stepped on it 3 times–273.2, then 271.8, then back to 273.2.  What the hell?  LOL  I didn’t move it, these are all within seconds, etc.  Weird.  So I told Eric to change the batteries and I’ll see what happens.  I think it just likes to mess with my head.  It better watch out because that’s why I banished the last scale to the trash. 

Doctor visit today

I saw Dr. M. today.  He was very pleased with my weight loss.  I told him how I’ve been feeling, that I can eat more, that I am losing because I could really eat more than I do, and he agreed that I need an adjustment.  He said, “You’re doing your part, so now I have to do mine.”  I was so happy that he was so agreeable.  I thought we might debate over it since I’d lost so well.  My “official” weight with him was 275.5, but that was after breakfast, a bottle of water, and fully dressed.  I am going by my home scale for my ticker because I weigh after using the bathroom, before eating or showering, and with no clothes on. 

I have my adjustment on Friday morning.  I’m excited!  I can’t wait to feel restriction again.  I feel out of control and hungry all the time, so I can’t wait to feel back in control.

I go back to Dr. M. on August 27th, one day shy of my 6 month bandiversary.  I am really going to work hard to be down 100 lbs total by then.  I only have 22 lbs to go on my scale, 25 on his.  So I guess I should shoot for like 105 down so his scale reflects the 100 too.  LOL  I have 6 weeks to do it.

Confession

So last week I posted that I joined 24 Hour Fitness.  Well, I ended up cancelling my membership.  I paid for some sessions with the personal trainer, specifically for working out and not nutrition but when I sat with her the first day, she insisted on giving me her nutritional advice.  It was basically her way or no way.  I figured, whatever, I’m only working with her a little while.  Well she sent me out to workout with no help because our session was up, which slightly annoyed me at that time.  On Sunday I woke up a little stiff, but by Monday I was hurting so bad I could barely walk.  I did FIVE MINUTES on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill.  The trainer told me to do 45 minutes!  I couldn’t believe it.  I was just starting out and she’s telling me to do 45 minutes?!  I felt like it just wasn’t a place I wanted to be.  They were very high pressure when it came to selling their package.  They lied to me on the phone about how much I would be charged.  I had three people in my face during their pitch.  I felt like a pathetic piece of shit for being that sore and messed up after one 30 minute workout.  Ugh.  So I’m back at square one on the exercise bit.  My sister in law offered me her bike, which she has barely used.  I just need to get it here, but I think they’re going to bring it out next weekend.  I used to love riding.  I used to ride everywhere when I was a teenager, until I got a car at least.  I hope to enjoy it again, and hope it won’t be too hard on my knee.

In good news, I hit 273 on Friday, for a total of 77 lbs gone.  I’d been waiting and waiting to hit 275, then all of a sudden, I dropped from 276 to 273.  My legs were really swollen early in the week so when that was gone, the weight dropped.  I lost 2 lbs the week of June 23rd-29th, then 5 lbs between June 30th and today. 

I see Dr. M tomorrow.  I moved up my appointment from August.  I initially made the appointment hoping for an adjustment and now I’m undecided.  I worry that I’ll get too tight and not be able to eat.  But I’m hungry a lot, eating between meals, and not staying satisified long enough.  So I think I need a little tweak.  I’ve lost 30 lbs since my last visit so I’m not sure if he will be agreeable or not.   We’ll see.  I am going to get his feedback on my intake and go from there.  My fear is that I could stretch my pouch or my band could slip if I’m eating more than I should.  I’m eating probably about a cup of food per meal.  He recommends 1/2 cup per meal.  I’m so strict with myself that I am just hungry a lot.  Lately I’ve just been saying screw it and eating.  I am really surprised by the 5 lb loss this week because I ate more than usual most of the week.  Maybe I need to eat more.  I don’t know.  That’s why I need his feedback.  Maybe I can see the nutritionist or something.  And God help me, I have to take both kids to my appointment.  They are good, but just so talkative and want the attention on them.  Oh, and Christian is the food police, so it will be interesting to see what he says to the doctor.  LOL