I’m a mess

June 1, 2008 at 11:43 pm 1 comment

Since surgery, I have been an emotional mess.  One minute, I feel great, really optimistic and confident.  The next, I feel like a failure, pathetic and out of control.  I beat myself up over what I eat, how much I’m eating, weight fluctuations, etc.  I’m at a really low spot right now.  I’ve been the same weight for a solid week, even fluctuating up a little, then back down.  I’ve only lost 1-2 lbs in the last two weeks.  WHY?  I don’t get it.  I account for everything I eat or drink.  I don’t drink calories, except for the occasional glass of milk.  I drink nothing else but water.  I don’t go over 1200 calories a day.

I feel bad whining because I have lost so much more than I dreamed I would at this point.  I originally set a goal of -50 lbs by May 31, which I thought was a huge goal and didn’t think I’d meet.  So here I sit, on June 1st and I am down 62 lbs from my highest weight.  But all I can think of is how much further I have to go…at least 90 more pounds, preferably another 130 or so.  That’s so daunting.  I just want it to happen now, damnit. 

So, I’m working really hard to drop my calories to 800-1000, from 1000-1200 (admittedly much closer to 1200 than 1000 these days).  It is like my last fill did little and I’m seriously contemplating calling Dr. M’s office to get in before August.  I’m also making sure I get in all of my water because I’ve been slacking on that the last couple of weeks.  And I HAVE to start exercising.  Ugh.  I hate exercising.  Eric and I started doing Walk Away the Pounds, did 2 days then skipped a day because we were sore and I haven’t gotten back in the groove.  The kids start summer school on Thursday and I’ll have an hour between the time they leave and when I have to get in the shower, so I’m going to use that as my exercise time.  Otherwise the only time I have is after they are in bed and then I can’t sleep. I’ve had terrible insomnia lately (another sign of depression for me) so I definitely can’t do something that makes it harder for me to sleep.  My MIL told me that I could have SIL’s bike since she never rides it but I have to get it here, which isn’t easy since we now have a car and not a van.  I used to love riding and I think I’d be able to get into it again.

Ugh, I need to get my head together.  It is amazing how big of a part emotional issues play in this whole process.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Please excuse this interruption Broke the plateau

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Jessica  |  June 2, 2008 at 4:08 pm


    It’s hard to hit those plateaus, but know that EVERYONE has them! I think adding the exercise in is going to do wonders for your weight loss and your depression. You CAN do it!

    And if you ever need any advice on the “y” word, just say the word!



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Surgery date: 2.28.08
Highest weight: 350 lbs
Surgery weight: 339 lbs
Current weight: 262 lbs
Goal weight: 175 lbs
June 2008
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