Struggling

That’s me right now–struggling.  It seems like everything in my life is going to crap and I’m completely unable to control it.  After my adjustment last week, I had restriction for…about a day.  I’m not losing, but at least I’m not gaining.  I’m just stuck.  I’m hungry all.the.time.  I’m calling Dr. M’s office tomorrow to see about getting another adjustment, but I’m not sure what they’ll say this quickly.  My next appointment isn’t until December 3rd.  I did buy an elliptical machine this week and I’ve been working out on it daily.  Yesterday, I walked and did the elliptical.  It’s challenging.  The first day, all I could manage was 5 minutes.  Tonight, I did 20 minutes.  It’s progress.  I guess if I am going to eat everything in sight, I can at least work off some extra calories.

I work in a financial industry so you can only imagine how that is going.  My job is secure, but part of my pay is based on bringing in the money and it just isn’t coming in as well as it used to.  Eric works at Sears and they are cutting hours, have frozen hiring, and sales there are just crap and it is even going into the holiday season.  We are really feeling the effects of the economy and it just sucks. 

I’ve been in a funk for a while and I just can’t shake it.  A couple of weeks ago, I broke down and talked to my primary doctor about anti-depressants.  I started one and it made me even hungrier and gave me horrible carb cravings.  So I stopped it already.  I see her again on Tuesday and hope to try something different.  I hate being on medication and feel like I should be able to hold it together on my own.  I can’t.  I hope she can help me.  I really need to get into a better mindset.

Another adjustment today

I saw Dr. M. last week.  It was a good appointment, just a little disappointing.  According to his scale (which sucks, btw), I only lost 5 lbs in the last 6 weeks.  But I had no restriction for the last 3 weeks, so at least I didn’t gain.  He was pleased with that.  I did get an adjustment today though.  Yay for restriction!  The only thing I hate about adjustments is the whole liquids for the day thing.  I’m hungry.  I had an EAS AdvantEDGE shake, which was actually not bad. 

I told Dr. M. that I didn’t really realize until recently how much of this is mental.  Overall, I wasn’t eating *that* much.  I was averaging about 1500 calories a day (roughly, I didn’t track for a while).  But I felt out of control.  I don’t like to feel out of control.  I had that old gnawing hunger that wouldn’t go away, something I hadn’t felt since before surgery.  I didn’t even go through Bandster Hell before my first fill because I had restriction just from the band placement and got my first adjustment about 3 1/2 weeks post-op.  When I can control my hunger and my cravings, I’m in a good place.  I was not only eating more lately, I was craving things I haven’t craved in months.  I was craving SODA!  I didn’t give in.  Oh no, that’s one addiction I don’t care to kick again.  But, damn, I wanted it sooooo badly.  So, at the end of last week, after my appointment with Dr. M. I gave myself a band vacation.  I mean, I had no restriction, why not enjoy it?  Yeah yeah, bad Jaime.  I really didn’t go too wild.  Last night, we had a yummy rotisserie chicken and, as Christian calls it, a bread log (french bread).  I ate TWO pieces of the bread.  I haven’t eaten that much bread at once in well…almost 8 months.  It was good.  But I’m back in the game today.

Due to the syringe tubing mishap at my last adjustment, Dr. M. pulled all the saline out of my band to double check how much is in it.  With the 1cc he put in today, I have 7.5cc.  I have the 14cc APL band, so I have quite a bit of room in there.  Oh, and I found this really odd.  I have an incision that has a lump under it.  It hurts now and then so at my appointment, I asked him about it.  Turns out, it’s the tubing.  He said that some people feel it after they lose enough weight.  It isn’t obvious, but I hope it stays that way.  LOL  I hear about ports sticking out after the weight is lost, I hope I don’t have a poking port and tube.

From the “things Jaime does now that she couldn’t do a year ago” files:  Today, I painted my office.  Well, a wall of my office.  A couple of weeks ago, I spot painted and the color didn’t match up quite right.  So I painted the whole thing today.  There is no way in hell I could’ve or would’ve done that a year ago.  I had a hard time putting up Christmas decorations last year. 

This month is one year since I started my band journey.  I went to Dr. M’s seminar on October 24.  What a year it has been!  I never thought I would be where I am now.  This is the best decision I’ve ever made.

Pictures finally

Here are my 7 month post-op pictures.

For comparison, here are the before pictures.